The First Time

Summary:Another journal series. Lee's POV
Rating:PG
Time Frame: Before the story 'What if'.
Disclaimer:The main characters belong to shoot the moon and Warner Bro Productions.
Author's Notes:Special thanks to Rox who betaed this for me.
 
 

PART 1

Hi again. I am always unsure of how to start off these things. I feel like I am writing a report for work or something, or the dear diary that a young teenager would write. Anyway, this is the first time I had to write in about two weeks. Finally we are between cases, for that I am happy. I am also happy to be home. Home, I had no idea how much that word meant to me until now.

But it also brings a whole new range of thoughts and emotions along with it.

Now see working in my line of work, it has always benefited the agent to cut off their emotions from their job. Logical I think, or thought anyway.

I guess I should start from the first case. It is probably what changed me in a way. I mean I tried to say 'It won't happen to me'. Yeah right! Do you know what that never works. As soon as you say that, guess what it happens.

I can't put the details in this; you don't know when even ones personal journals could fall into the wrong hands.

Well as most of my cases had been going, Amanda has been helping me with them. Billy keeps telling me she has the instinct for it, trust her. What choice did I have? But you know what for some reason I have always trusted her. And I haven't got a clue as to why.

Anyway this case, it revolved around the Russians, as it always does these days for some reason or another. Amanda and I ended up at this old cabin meeting a contact of mine when everything went bad. She was playing this contacts daughter, she is very good at this, I have to admit. What comes out of her mouth sometimes is amazing.

Well my contact and I made a plan to get out once the 'bad guys' arrived. There were only two of them; it shouldn't have been that hard to escape. But as it turned out I got shot, again. Note to self: Never get shot in the shoulder, it hurts like hell. But on a good note I did get one of them, in the leg I think. Night had fallen by then, and there was no way that Amanda was going to be able to make it out with me, so we decided to stay there over night.

I really needed to stay awake, but the pain was awful. Amanda took care of me, though. She made a bed of sorts and helped me on to it, then stayed at my side for the longest time, holding my hands, comforting me. I can't tell you how good it felt to be with her, even if I was injured. She touch, it was just... I can't explain it. Healing.

I remember waking up and the first thing I saw was her face leaning over me, and her hand gently moving through my hair. I never found that simple act to be so relaxing, so invigorating, so I don't know... but when she does it, wow.

Now you won't catch me saying this to anyone!

Amanda can be the most aggravating person on the planet sometimes. She talks too much, asks to many questions, and sometimes says the most infuriating things. But for some reason I can feel this connection between us.

I can't explain it.

I couldn't believe that we actually sat there with the enemy drinking and singing Christmas carols together. I actually was starting to feel a bit better; although I knew all along it was the alcohol, and probably a bit of Amanda's concern for me as well. But I was actually able to sit up and I leaned against the back of the chair made bed.

I remember reaching up for Amanda's hand as she walked by me and pulled her down to me. When I look back at my reasoning of this, I can't find any, other than that I wanted contact. Any ways she sat down, reluctantly for that matter, and looked at me with a smile on her face. She reached up and traced my jaw with her finger. I closed my eyes at the sensation. We then returned to singing with everyone else. I encircled her waist with my good arm and leaned against her for support, which like always she gladly gave me.

Do I deserve this woman?

I don't think I do.

We went home the next day, well she went home and I went to the hospital. As much as I wanted to be away from the whole situation, to be back alone, so there I was, alone.

Billy stopped by and brought me some provisions. What a way to spend Christmas, for some reason I am beginning to think that there is much more to this holiday than sitting in a hospital room, alone with a bottle of wine. I feel like I am missing something, not just the holidays but from every day life as well.

She called me. I was looking forward to her calling me. For some reason I didn't want to hang up the phone, but I did.
PART 2

Why do I do this to myself, and to Amanda? I mean what I am trying to do, push her away?

I have to be sketchy here and only give the minor details, if this fell into the wrong hands, to know the Agency could be infatuated like it was, it's not a good thing.

Agents were being murdered, they were each sent notes and surprises to their homes as well as their offices at work, then killed. Everyone was going crazy, Billy, Francine, even myself, we could not get a lead for the life of us. And people were dying, needlessly. Agents, you know I knew when I got into this business that things could happen and you could be injured, dead the next second. But when you are actually faced with that proposition, it's not a pretty site. A few years ago, I thought I was the 'invincible man' I could do anything, nothing would stop me. Death, what's that?

I was wrong. I know that now. Do you want to know who taught me that?

A housewife with two children. Funny isn't it? I mean it took someone who didn't ask to be in this way of life to show me what life is really supposed to mean. That people really do care.

Well Amanda kept asking and asking me to show her where other 'government employees' spent their time after work. I have no idea why she thinks that we might be a different kind of person than the regular, average person. I suppose that I have drilled that idea into her head once too often. "I miss this, I miss that. Why can't a person eat out at restaurants every night, there is nothing wrong with that Amanda." Gee I wonder where she got the idea.

But little does she know, I don't think its normal or regular at all. I am getting a bit tired of it, actually. I long for the dinners at home after work, sitting on the couch and reading a book, or sitting in front of the fire place with the most beautiful woman...

Okay I am not ready to go there...yet. As much as I want to, and believe me as of late, that's just want I want to do. Do you know how hard it is to look on and watch from afar?

Self control, I must be king in that department by now.

Well that night, my car was in the shop. Amanda offered to drive me home, and I pulled the same crap I always do and said no. I just brushed her off like I don't need her help. I have no clue why I keep doing that, I am trying to stop that habit. Why, well because the more I look, the more I realize that I do need her. Well that's when I received the first note. I tried to pull off the 'I don't care' expression. I did care; I don't want to die.

Amanda pulled me into it; I let her read the note. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my conscious was saying 'Don't let her read it, she doesn't need anything more to worry about.' But I did any ways, I felt like she needed to know.

She took me home that night, much to my enjoyment. She pulled up in front of my apartment building. I wanted to ask her up, but I knew she would fumble over herself to decline, saying something like she had to get home for the boys. Even though it was past ten at night, and they would surely be in bed already. She is nervous, and so am I, so I don't think it really bothered me too much. Well it did, I hate going home alone.

Anyway, a few nights later I went back to the same place with Billy. He said he was worried about me, and didn't want to leave me alone. I can understand, but I can take care of myself.

Billy made some crack about my car. I know, I know it's a classic isn't cutting it anymore. The more I think about it; maybe I need to get another car.

So here we are arguing about guards following me around, posted at my apartment, and I found myself agreeing. Wow I am changing; I would of never agreed to that before.

Well as soon as I got into my car and tried to start it, and the damn thing wouldn't even turn over, I should of known something was wrong. This figure came up from the back seat and tried to kill me. He cut my arm and I had some bruised ribs from where he decided it was necessary to kick me.

When I arrived at the hospital Billy was there waiting. We came up with the decision; maybe I should remain what looked like 'dead'. He thought I would be safer that way. So I agreed with him, never thinking of the people who we were going to hurt. It's funny I never thought of how it would effect Amanda, thinking I was dead.

Billy went to talk to the doctors and whoever about the situation. Then I was released and went into hiding for the next three days.

I had been getting reports from Billy on what was happening at the office every day over that three-day period. We thought it was someone on the inside, so no one could know I was alive. This was really hard, after what Billy told me about Amanda, I really felt the need to go to her, put my arms around her, and let her know everything was all right. But I couldn't and that's what was really hard. I missed her, and I knew she needed me, and there wasn't anything I could do.

After the funeral Billy told me that Amanda wasn't doing good at all. That she was very withdrawn and quiet.

I sat there with Billy and we argued about telling Amanda. I wanted to so badly. In the end I won. So I packed up what I had, and headed over to her place. Billy wasn't happy, but he understood.

I sat outside her window, I knew her mother and sons were leaving for the weekend. Perfect! I don't know how long I sat there, but I was so relieved to hear her mother leave and the door close. I turned around and picked up my bag. As I stood I could see Amanda through the window and hear that she was crying. This was certainly nothing I expected or wanted to happen.

It was then that I noticed that her feelings and emotions ran very deep for me, as mine did for her.

I heard her say something about not getting your emotions involved, and how I told her that. I did tell her, and I am a hypocrite for saying that. I let my emotions get involved, and now I am in over my head. Well when it comes to Amanda that is. She is my weakness.

Did I just write that? Wow its amazing what you say when you aren't trying to cover up what is really going on.

My weakness. That can be a good point, but it also can mean so many bad things as well. I couldn't stand for Amanda to get hurt. I don't know what I'd do without her.

And what, we have only known each other for what almost a year. Strange how someone makes such a deep impact one a person's life.

I can't thank her enough.

So I open the door and say something to her. I don't even remember what I said to her, but the look on her face was priceless. I couldn't contain myself, and neither could she, because we went into each other's arms, instantly.

It, we felt right like this. It's always been so easy to be like this with her. It's like we have been doing this for our whole lives.

She cried, told me she was upset and hurt. I knew she was going to be, so I expected something like this.

We sat there together on the couch for a while, just being there together, for each other.

Well that night we went to the hotel where the second agent was killed and Amanda got attacked. I felt really awful. I need to talk to Billy and sign her up for some sort of self-defence class.

All we came away with was a drive-in ticket. Not really much to go on, but we had to go check it out. So Amanda and I went to the movies together. We sat there in my car, close enough to touch, and argh. Okay we held hands through out the movie; she leaned towards me. I am sorry but I just can't get enough.

I have no idea why, when we finally returned back to her house, which I suggested that we go back out to dinner? And why on earth did I say I miss nightclubs? I haven't been to a club in a long time, and I don't miss it either.

Needless to say we solved the case together. Francine was so upset, she still is. I don't know why she doesn't like Amanda. I mean she is nothing but an honest, respectable person. She has never done anything to hurt anyone in her life. I guess it might have something to do with the fact that Amanda just walked into this job, no training, and is doing the same if not more than Francine is or was doing. Then there is the jealously thing she has. Billy has commented to me about this a few times, when Francine gets frustrated and starts to yell about Amanda this, Amanda that, How come she gets to go? I haven't been looking for the signs, but I have begun to notice them.

Francine is a lot like I used to be. She would have another man every other day. I am not really one to say anything about what she does, because I did the same thing; but I know it takes a toll on a person. If Amanda hadn't come along then I have no clue where I would be now.

Listen to me talking like we are already a married couple.

Ha married! I can't even think about it. I am surprised I even wrote it; it is so out of character for me, "The Lone bachelor". Some people would laugh, I know, but people change right?

Anyway the bad guy, (I can't say his name, sorry) took Amanda when she was at my place and was using her as a hostage. I was a nervous wreck, I had to save her, and it's all that mattered to me. When I climbed into my apartment, mind you I never thought I would have to do that, and walked through my door towards the living room, I saw her, I knew something was defiantly not right. Then I felt the sword at my back.

After that when 'HE' fell from my window and I put out the fuse, I began to untie Amanda, who mind you sat there very patiently. I told her something about not being able to have hamburgers like normal people do. I was upset that we didn't do that together, and I know she was too. This was something I was actually looking forward too.

We were so close, if I just leaned in a little...

Well that's it for now, my phone is ringing, I have this feeling we are going on another 'mission' as Amanda would call it.