Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs. King is the property of Shoot the Moon
and Warner Brothers. Weakest Link is a production of the BBC Worldwide - This
story (such as it is) belongs to me.
Notes: Given that I'm crossing SMK and Weakest Link, and that this is
parody, please don't stress yourselves w/ trying to find canon,
characterization, or a timeline.
Feedback: Is welcome . . . critical or cursory
* * * * *
Announcer: Here are the eight contestants competing on tonight's
Weakest Link
Amanda: Amanda King 35, housewife and agent.
Lee: Lee Stetson, 36, agent.
Phillip: Phillip King, 14, student.
Jamie: Jamie King, 12, student.
Dotty: Dotty West, 58, retired.
Francine: Francine Desmond, agent, and I'm not going to tell you how old
I am.
Billy: William Melrose, 51, Agency Section Chief.
Joe: Joe King, 43, attorney.
Announcer: One of these people will leave with up to one million dollars.
The rest will leave with nothing.
Ann Robinson: Okay, lets play . . . . The Weakest Link. The order was
randomly selected before the show.
(turns to Amanda) Amanda, we'll start with you. Which knot, if properly
executed, can be easily untied.
Amanda: (struggles with the answer for a bit). The Killick Hitch!
Ann: Correct!
(turns to Lee) Lee, an image is recorded on film because of a
photochemical reaction with which crystal?
Lee: I, uh . . . really don't know.
Ann: The answer I was looking for is silver halide.
(Turns to Phillip) Phillip, this Spanish King was married to England's
'Bloody Mary'.
Phillip: I dunno; I got a 'C' in history.
Ann: Indeed. The answer, Phillip King, is King Phillip.
(turns to Jamie) Jamie, what simple creature is employed to turn organic
garbage into vermicompost?
Jamie: Worms!
Phillip: Worm brain!
Amanda: Phillip, do not call your brother 'worm brain.'
Ann: (glaring at the contestants) Dotty!! Which North Carolinian
played the Sheriff of Mayberry?
Dotty: Bank!
Ann: I'm sorry, but you can't bank after the question has been asked. The
answer is 'Andy Griffith'.
(turns to Francine) Francine, who broke Babe Ruth's single season
home-run record?
Francine: (rolling her eyes) Give me a break.
Ann: No, the answer is Roger Maris.
(turns to Billy) Billy, this was the codename of the CIA project
investigating the potential counter-espionage uses of ESP.
Billy: I can't answer that; it's classified.
Ann: Perhaps you could just send the answer to me via mind waves then.
The answer is Stargate.
Joe, this philosopher described four different types of love.
Joe: I can't . . .
Ann: No, the answer's not Kant; it's Plato.
And in that round, team, you managed to rack up absolutely NOTHING. Who sold
their brain to the Russians? Who's been hit with the mental equivalent of
zap gas? It's time to vote off the 'Weakest Link'.
Announcer: In this round Francine was the weakest link. Not only did she
get her question wrong, but she was also a bitch. Amanda is the strongest link,
answering her question correctly, but will the rest of the players remember?
Let's return to . . . The Weakest Link.
Ann: Who is the Weakest Link?
Joe: Lee.
Billy: Francine.
Francine: (scowling at Billy) Amanda.
Dotty: Billy.
Jamie: Philip.
Philip: Jamie.
Lee: Joe.
Amanda: I can't choose - I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Ann: (ignoring Amanda for the time being). Isn't this interesting?
(turns to Joe) Joe . . . Joe King . . . your parents had a sense of
humor, did they?
Joe: Ummm . . .
Ann: Why did you vote for Lee?
Joe: He's in love with Amanda.
Ann: You still consider Amanda your territory, do you?
Joe: Well . . .
Ann: (cuts him off) Francine . . . tell me, is that your real
nose?
Francine: (touches her nose self-consciously)
Ann: Tell me, why did you vote for Amanda? She got her question right in
that last round.
Francine: (gesturing in Amanda's direction) Did you see the way
she's dressed?
Ann: Fashion means a lot to you, does it?
Francine: (flustered) Well, yes!
Ann: It obviously means more than getting the correct answers.
(turns to Dotty) Dotty, why did you vote for Billy?
Dotty: I didn't like his attitude. (glares at Billy) Classified
information . . .
Ann: And keeping secrets is a worse offense than banking after the
question has been asked?
Dotty: Yes.
Amanda: (fidgets uncomfortably)
Ann: Well, it appears we have a tie, and in that case, the strongest link
chooses the person to be voted off. Amanda, dear, that's you.
Amanda: I guess I'll have to go with Francine.
Ann: And why Francine?
Amanda: Well, she missed a baseball question . . .
Ann: And you know about baseball.
Amanda: Yes, I was the coach of the Bombers for two years. And she's also
a real witch sometimes.
Ann: Well, Francine, I can't argue with that. You ARE the Weakest Link,
good-bye!
Francine: (to the other camera) There's no way Amanda can win . .
. that was just spiteful.
Ann: Well, we'll start the game again with the strongest link from the
last round.
(to Amanda) Amanda, this protein can also be used as a starch.
Amanda: Egg whites.
Ann: Correct (turns to Lee) Lee . . .
Lee: Bank!
Ann: (finishes question as the onscreen scoreboard resets to zero):
Which French director and writer is the man behind such movies as 'The Last
Metro'
and 'Woman Next Door'?
Lee: Truffaut.
Ann: (surprised) Correct.
(turns to Phillip) Phillip, this British Monarch was responsible for
translating the Bible into English . . .
Phillip: (interrupts her) I told you. . . I got a C in History!
Ann: The answer is King James.
(turns to Jamie) Jamie, this invertebrate has ten hearts.
Jamie: Worms!
Ann: Correct.
Amanda: Phillip, don't even think about it . . .
Ann: Dotty . . .
Dotty: Bank! (looking very proud of herself)
Ann: The title of this movie literally translates to 'White House'.
Dotty: Pass.
Ann: Casablanca.
Dotty: (looks pretty irritated)
Ann: Billy, this US military base, also known as Area 51, is located in
the desert region of what state.
Billy: There is no such place as Area 51. You must be misinformed.
Ann: No, I can't accept that. The answer is Nevada.
(turns to Joe) Joe, which character in 'The Wizard of Oz' was the first
to join Dorothy on her trek down the yellow brick road?
Joe: Toto?
Ann: (talking like Joe's a complete idiot) No, the Scarecrow.
And that, team, concludes the second round, where collectively your idiocy
is supreme. You managed to amass a pathetic $2000.Who couldn't come up with the
answer even on truth serum? Who's brain is still stuffed with straw? I urge you
to sack the simpleton and vote off . . . The Weakest Link.
Announcer: In this round, Lee was the strongest link. He not only
answered his question correctly, he banked money for the team. Phillip was
the weakest link. He got his question wrong, and lost money. Will the other
players take pity on him because he's a kid? We now return to The Weakest Link.
Ann: Let's see how we voted.
Joe: Lee.
Billy: The taller kid.
Dotty: Billy.
Jamie: Phillip.
Phillip: Jamie.
Lee: Chief.
Amanda: Jamie, no I mean, Phillip . . . Sorry, sweetheart.
Ann: Amanda . . .
Amanda: Yes?
Ann: Get your children mixed up, do you?
Amanda: It's not my fault, I forget which one has the glasses and which
one has the Hollywood t-shirt.
Jamie: I have the glasses.
Ann: I wasn't talking to you. (turns to Phillip) Phillip King,
it's time to resign your crown. You ARE the Weakest Link, Good-bye.
Announcer: In the interest of time, we have cut the rest of the show. The
remaining contestants were scootched in the following order - Dotty, Joe,
Billy, and Jamie. At this time Lee and Amanda are still in sudden death,
head-to-head competition for the grand prize of $5000. And that concludes
tonight's 'Weakest Link.'