TITLE: Over the Rainbow
 

Author: Adrea
 

Summary: 1982 An early morning turning point in Amanda's pre-spy life.

Feedback: yes please- not entirely sure this is a finished work- so feel free on or off list.

NOTES: Thanks to Vikki who was required to beta since she `pushed' me into entering the alphabet challenge…. Thanks for not abandoning me once I'd committed myself. Thanks also to Wednesday who I'm sure also beta'd this even though I haven't read it yet - I'm sure I'm going to have to release a new draft after her changes.

Disclaimer: I do not own any SMK characters or references. This is a non-profit endeavor. I also don't own any rights to the 'Meet Joe Black' version of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World' (GREAT song if you haven't heard it- will make this story much better if you know the song- not just because of the words but the feel)


OVER THE RAINBOW.

'Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high.
There's a land that I heard of,
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true.'

Amanda King sat at the kitchen table in the early morning chill. She was nursing a steaming cup of coffee, warming her hands along the sides. She stared through the windows where, outside, the earth was still dark. Mist swirled through the light streaming from the kitchen. It was utterly quiet except for the hum of the refrigerator and her rhythmic breathing.

Amanda looked at the stack of papers in front of her. She held the creased pages down with her hand and fiddled with the pen lying on the table. She squinted at the pages, skimming the last few paragraphs again. She wanted to be sure she did this right. This was difficult enough to do once; she didn't want to make a mistake and have to do it again.

"Okay, I sign, and we're divorced." The word tasted foreign in her mouth. She tried repeating it. "Divorced." She shook her head slightly, "Shouldn't I FEEL something?" Amanda asked herself. Her hushed voice sounded odd intruding into the silence.

It seemed surreal that, after the years of anguish she had poured into her decision, it all came down to this: signing papers in her robe at 5am.

She had been so sure divorce was not the right thing for the boys: they needed a father. But the realization she couldn't make Joe into the father they needed had spurred her down the stairs. That was two hours ago…

Amanda had only recently been able to start unraveling the thoughts and emotions she had pushed aside when Joe first mentioned splitting up. Anger, guilt, relief: she had been willing to suppress them all to keep her family together. But her family wasn't together. And it wasn't the loss of Joe that made her feel incomplete, she realized with some awkwardness. She had lost him years ago. She felt incomplete because of the loss of a dream - the dream that she had found the man she would share the rest of her life with.

A part of her bristled at the thought. It HADN'T always been a dream. They had been happy once. When had the happiness slipped away?

"When he left, and you didn't tell him how much it hurt." Amanda answered her own question. When he didn't understand why the boys needed him HERE, why she wanted him HERE.

She had tried to ignore the ever-present signs that she had lost his heart - and that he had lost hers. But she had convinced herself that as long as they were married, nothing had really changed. They loved each other; they loved the boys - and that was enough, wasn't it?

"Apparently not," Amanda answered herself out loud again.

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.

"I would have let this go on forever: just so I wouldn't have to call Mother and tell her, just so the ladies in the PTA wouldn't look at me with THAT look… just so the boys wouldn't have to tell their friends…" she told the pages accusingly as she smoothed them for the twentieth time.

Amanda looked out the window. The dark had turned to gray, and the mist seemed to have thickened. She saw her reflection in the glass. Amanda shook her head at the somberness of her expression.

"Married or not married, I'm still Amanda," She said, pursing her lips, "I'm still ME." She was the type of person whose cheerfulness gave her early laugh lines around her eyes and mouth. Her smile had been called contagious- she loved to laugh…

With a start, Amanda realized she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed out loud.

Amanda studied her reflection in the glass of the kitchen window again. This time her eyes sparkled back at her then narrowed with determination. She picked up the pen.

Somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly,
Beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

"I've put this off long enough." Amanda told herself firmly. She signed along each dotted line, folded the pages back along their heavy creases and stuffed them into the envelope. Amanda exhaled the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

With the release of the air, she felt years of tension seep out ofher muscles. She felt empty. Empty and a little light headed.

Amanda heard the alarm go off upstairs and heard a small thud she knew was Jamie. A long time passed before she finally heard the large thump she knew must be Phillip jumping down from the bunk bed. The distinct difference between her sons in even this tiny way made her grin with pleasure.

I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom for me and you.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people goin' by.
I see friends shakin' hands, saying "How do you do!"
They're really sayin' "I love you."
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.

Her boys! No one could take them away from her. They were tough kids. The three of them would get through this together. They would lean on each other like they had for the past 5 years. There was no need to mope around over not being someone's wife when she was a mom.

"Even more than that," Amanda whispered. She was a woman, restricted
by no one.

Her family wasn't going to fall apart; she was going to make it stronger than ever. Amanda was going to make sure the boys knew they weren't losing either parent. Joe would be the same father to them that he always had been. And she would always love him because he was a part of the boys.

And that was enough for now.

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?

Amanda noticed the sun crawling along the kitchen table toward her and lifted her head to meet its warmth. Outside, a rainbow arched into the sky, disappearing in the clouds above. Amanda smiled. The future was going to turn out okay after all.

For a moment she had the feeling like she was soaring with the rainbow, far away from the gloom she'd been suffocating in just a few hours earlier. She was free to start over now! She would follow a whole new dream and build a new future.

Amanda soaked in the sunshine for a second longer before she clapped her hands once and pushed her chair away from the table. "But first,
I'm going to make breakfast." Amanda stood up and tightened her robe. "Start my future off with a brand new sunny day and some eggs and maybe a muffin," she muttered.

She started humming as she reached into the refrigerator for the milk.